Re: Someone Always Asks

This is a reply to Holly's blog.

One may think that being a heartless, soulless monstrosity on the verge of carnage and consumed with a driving and absolutely necessary hunger for pain, panic, and power would be a condition that would eventually wear out the heartstrings of said creature.  People have an ultimately useful but utterly ridiculous tendency to attribute human-like qualities to everything that remotely behaves like a person.

I have many traits in common with people.  I talk and walk and think.  I eat and sleep and f***.  I even contemplate the meanings of the unknown in a deep and cathartic state that has become the center point of my existence.  I strive to better myself and am bound to many of the same natural laws that all of you are.  I even look like a person and if you talk with me I will smile and laugh with you or reconfirm your chosen course of action in an attempt to make you feel valid.  I am made of skin, bone, and blood.  I have all of the rational thinking and analytical capability of a human being but I am not.

When I think about it I never really was.  The smiling and laughing and the charm and smarm are learned behaviors developed out of a need to survive as I am.  I am very good at taking advantage of someone’s natural impulse to want to believe that all things that are alive deserve empathy and respect for that life.  I laugh when people tell me that even people like me deserve to be loved.

For all of the traits that I share in common with you there is something missing.  I used to just think that it was the capacity to truly feel but I do have identifiable feelings.  I love myself, I feel contempt and disgust.  The only time I can truly care about another person is when they become an extension of myself.  Yes, that means I am devoid of empathy.

I spent the majority of my life to date trying to wrestle with my darker impulses.  There was another driving being within the confines of the thin layer of consciousness that I defined as myself.  Eventually I learned that there are many ways to indulge in those impulses while playing within the rules.

Which brings me to Holly’s blog about her history as a victim.  Again, these f***s got away with what they did because of the tenancy to attach human-like qualities to inhuman beings.  Death is too good for those monsters.  She has never given me a name because she knows I am more than capable of exacting revenge on them all.  It isn’t out  of a desire to please anyone but myself that I hate them but I want to destroy them.

I would want them to be forced to contend with what they did in the most brutally horrible manner possible.  I would keep them alive with all of my previous medical training as I smash their joints with a sledge hammer and remove their parts… one by one.

Then when they are left a shell of the being they were and begging for death I would drive them to the hospital to live forever as a limbless, eyeless, toungeless, non cocked, and disfigured mutant.  They would live with that agony forever, to a very ripe old age.  However then, and I know Holly’s psychology training lets her know this if she allowed me to do that there would be no more barriers for me to cross and she would then lose me as she knows me.

My obession is taking things apart…

Even if I got caught what would happen?  They would put me in jail with a bunch of prisoners who have kids who would treat me like a hero forever and since I didn’t murder anyone I would have a long and comfortable stay.